One day, I would love to be married. Yet I’ve never had a boyfriend and I haven’t even been on a date. I’ve got to be honest though, the idea of dating or marriage does scare me some, though, at the same time, I desire it so much. Sometimes, I’m not even sure how to properly interact with guys my age who aren’t my brothers—it turns out, all you have to do is ask them get-to-know-you questions the same way you would with a girl!
Maybe you’re in the same boat as me and can relate to my struggles. But maybe you’re not, and that’s okay. In either case, I want to say welcome and keep reading!
Keep reading to learn how you can process these emotions and desire for marriage.
Keep reading to have a better understanding of what your friend, sister, cousin, niece, or granddaughter is thinking, feeling, and experiencing as a single person. Learn how you can support them best in their hope for marriage.
Even as I have been brainstorming and writing this blog post, my view on singleness and marriage has shifted and grown as I have been reading my Bible and listening to related podcasts and books. I even attended a virtual single ladies’ night hosted by For The Girl that spoke into the struggles of single ladies while emphasizing God’s truth on both singleness and marriage.
The greatest take away that I had from the speaker, Jana Ogg (who is a single woman in her 40s), that night was this: “You have all the freedom in the world to change the world! So your superpower as a single person is that you can show up!” It means that you’re not tied down to anyone or anything. Your attention is not divided between a husband and God. Your attention is focused solely on serving God! Do you know what that means?
- If you have a friend who is in need, you can just drop everything and go show up to help her out.
- If there is a mission trip that you’re interested in being a participant of, then you can go without checking with someone else’s schedule (if that’s where God is leading).
And those are only two examples of the the freedom that you have as a single person.
The freedom that we have as single women is not the only perspective change I had on this season of my life. Another significant shift and realization that I I have had over the past few weeks is this:
The greatest desire that God has for my life is sanctification—the process of becoming more like Jesus Christ and growing in holiness. If marriage will help me in that process, then God will allow me to have that good gift.
Paul Washer, an American evangelist and preacher, puts it this way,
“The main purpose of marriage is that, through your marriage, you become conformed to the image of Jesus Christ. Marriage, I believe, is the greatest instrument of sanctification.”
God is our Father who desires to give us good gifts. Marriage is a good gift and something that pleases God because it’s something that He created—something that existed before sin came into the world (Genesis 1-2). Yet, it’s also a gift that God designed for a purpose. The purpose of your sanctification and that of your husband’s (if God gifts you with marriage).
So while marriage is a good and beautiful gift from God, you shouldn’t spend all of your time desperately longing for marriage. God never promised that you would be married. He promised that He would never leave or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5-6). And He commanded you to go out into all the world and preach the Gospel—the Good News that Jesus has reconciled us back to God (Matthew 28:19-20).
What I’m saying is this: don’t waste your singleness daydreaming about something that may or may not happen. Stop worrying about the future and use today to bring glory to God! That’s why you were created!
Remember the freedom that you have as a single person to go out and spread the Good News of Jesus’ redemption! And trust God that He knows what is the best assignment for you in this season of your life!
Of course, choosing to use your singleness to bring glory to God will be a daily battle. You will have to make choice to thrive in your singleness instead of drowning in it. It certainly is that way for me.
Somedays I get so lost and caught up in my daydreams and desires for love and marriage—those are the days that I loose sight of the Lord’s overwhelming, steadfast love for me. On other days, my mind is clear, I’m at peace, and I’m content with the season that the Lord has me in. On those days, I dream about how, as a single person, I can focus all my attention on serving the King and His Kingdom.
If you’re anything like me and have this constant back-and-forth battle, then I challenge you to take those thoughts—the good, the bad, and the ugly—and talk to God, your Heavenly Father, about them.
Tell Him how you feel.
Tell Him exactly what you want—He won’t judge you because He already knows your thoughts and your desires.
And when you’re done pouring your heart out to the Lord, ask Him to give you the desires and dreams that glorify Him. Ask Him to give you the strength and the skills, through His Spirit, to pursue the things that honor Him.
This request and pureness of heart pleases God! He is your Creator after all. And He is more than capable of and willing to conform you to His image and to that of His Son, Jesus Christ. All you have to do is tell Him that these are things that you desire!
He wants to guide you in and talk to you about your dreams and desires. Listen to Him and let the Holy Spirit be your guide. In His timing He will bring you and your husband together—if that is what is best for you according to His ultimate plan.
In His timing, He will work all things for the good of those who love Him and serve Him (Romans 8:28). Expectantly and actively wait with patience and endurance upon His promises—read Genesis through Joshua in the Old Testament if you need to be reminded of the truth that the Lord keeps His promises to His covenant people.
So while you live out your calling today as a single person, I want to challenge you with ideas and action steps that are inspired by the early chapters of Pastor Jonathan Pokluda’s book Outdated.
The best advice I took from this book is this: Wait for your spouse as expectantly as you wait for Jesus. Don’t be idle, be prepared.
This advice lead me to consider and answer two questions:
1. Practically speaking, what does it look like to prepare for your spouse?
- Learn to cook, bake, clean, and take care of a house.
- Practice taking care of yourself (hygiene, sleep, exercise, relationship with food, etc.).
- Develop hobbies (it makes you more interesting and helps you to focus your mind on something other than waiting for a spouse).
- Learn to take care of children by volunteering in childcare opportunities at your church, local school, daycare, etc. (if motherhood is also a desire that you have and you feel gifted and called to serve in this area).
- Make friends and develop a community; this is God’s way of providing you with a family (again, He doesn’t promise you marriage, but He does promise to never leave or forsake you).
- The more you isolate yourself (or are isolated) the harder it can be to keep your mind from fantasizing about being in a relationship (or spiraling into any toxic and sinful thoughts and habits).
- You need to surround yourself with people will help you become more like Christ. If you don’t have those people, then get connected in a local church. Join a small group there. Start volunteering. Don’t just sit at home, go out there and find your people (listen to the song “Find Your People” by Drew Holcomb & the Neighbors)!
- Find Christian mentors and find someone to mentor (look in your church).
- Read the Bible and pray to develop your relationship with Jesus (this will be attractive to a godly man).
- Find places and ways to volunteer your time (not only does this make you attractive, but it gives you something to occupy your time and your mind; you also never know who you will meet this way! or what skills you will develop that will help you succeed in your future).
2. Practically speaking, what does it look like to prepare for your Jesus and grow in your relationship with Him?
- Use your gifts to serve the Kingdom of God (in both your church and community).
- Share the Gospel because that is what Jesus has commanded us to do (the Great Commission).
- Pray and study the Bible (see this blog post for getting started and this one for staying consistent).
- Practice/develop spiritual disciplines (read Soul Feast by Majorie J. Thompson for understanding these at a deeper level).
- Become an active member of a local church.
- Confess your sins to both God and to your community (use wisdom and discernment with whom to confess to for the latter).
By implementing these things into your life, you will experience a richer and fuller life REGARDLESS of whether or not you get married because you are:
- taking care of yourself—you are a temple of the Spirit of God—and,
- you are actively serving the King and His Kingdom.
So here is my last challenge to you:
- Pray and determine which of the practical tips (or pick a few) that you need to grow in the most and then set a goal this week, this month, and this year to actively pursue it!
- Pray to God for the strength and boldness that you need to work on that goal and then don’t forget to ask for support and accountability from your community.
Since I’m asking you to commit to this challenge, here’s what I’m committing to as I wait patiently and expectantly for marriage: I will be focusing on learning how to run a home, studying my Bible daily, developing my hobbies, and serving the King in as many ways as I can (at both my church and at a local after school program in my community)!
Together, let’s focus on becoming women of God today. And join me in praying this prayer of Betty Scott Stam, who was an American missionary to China from 1931 until she was martyred (at the age of 28) in 1934:
Lord, I give up my own plans and purposes, all my own desires, hopes and ambitions, and I accept Thy will for my life. I give up myself, my life, my all, utterly to Thee, to be Thine Forever. I hand over to Thy keeping all of my friendships; all the people whom I love are to take second place in my heart. Fill me now and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit. And work out Thy whole will in my life at any cost, [both] now and forever, for to me to live is Christ! Amen!
Betty Scott Stam, American missionary to China from 1931-1934
Resources:
Find Your People by Jeannie Allen (book)
How to Put Love First: Find Meaningful Connection with God, Your People, and Your Community” by Sadie Robertson Huff & Christian Huff (book)
- specifically check out day 26 in this devotional (you can watch the video about it here)
Outdated by Jonathan Pokluda (book)
The Pursuit of His Heart (Instagram account)
YouTube Videos on Singleness as a Christian: (click here for list)
Podcast Episodes on Singleness & Dating for Christian Women: (click here for list)
“Why Marriage Matters: Understanding Its Place in the Beauty of the Christian Story” (article from Daily Citizen)
Eternally Planted 